Officially Anti-FORCE

Live from a charming new cafe in my city. I'm sitting here with a banana muffin matcha, and a dream. I've been thinking a lot about the close of this year. It's hard to believe. I feel like I feel this way every year, but the weight it's holding this year feels different. So what better way to spend my Sunday? I'm wearing my mom's old cozy quarter-zip, which I have loved since I was 16, and Olivia Dean is playing in my headphones. Let's rock.

At the end of each year, I am normally one to set goals and set intentions. I'm a natural optimist and have always tried to show up big; my best self. Some years, you'll even find me writing out a list of things I want to accomplish before the end of the year. And while I'm not being a hater of the goal setting this November, I feel differently this year. We go through ebbs and flows, and it's okay to feel drastically different from time to time. I'm going through that right now. My intentions stay the same, and I have huge hopes for myself, but like I mentioned, right now my actions look a little different. I think most years, I think a "strong finish" looks a specific way. The reality is that a "strong finish" is different for everyone. Listen to what your mind and your heart need. If you've been keeping up with me and my blog, you know that the last several months have been.. interesting. The chaos of August and September led to October, forcing me to slow down. And now that I am slowly finding my way back to myself, I am not forcing myself to speed back up. I'm not changing in the sense of being optimistic, but I'm not forcing it. I'm still showing up, but I'm not forcing my "best self," whatever that looks like. My heart is still healing. I'm okay, just like always, but on the days I'm not, I'm not forcing it. Trust me, the people pleaser in me still spirals from time to time, but I think I'm growing from that.

So, there's no list this year. No expectations. I'm keeping it simple. And if that puts your mind at ease, I want you to keep reading. If you have a long list in your notes app of "25 Goals to Close Out 2025", I'm cheering for you. It's just not on my bingo card in this final stretch of the year. I quite literally have two plans for the rest of this year: Intentional Time Alone and Human Connection.

Intentional Time Alone

I've spent the better half of my 20s getting really comfortable being alone. It doesn't make me sad. In fact, I think I am someone who thrives better when I have spent time by myself. I have plenty of hobbies, and I love the person I am. Being someone who normally also thrives in a fast-paced environment, this domain of my life falls on the back burner, and it certainly has this year. Being alone is not something I dread, but it's often something that I don't have a lot of time for normally. At least, that's always my excuse. That's always the excuse for everything, "I don't have time." The bottom line is, you make time for the things that are important to you. Which is why I want to be intentional. I'm going to spend time alone, in my own head, just being.

While I said that typically, I am comfortable alone, believe it or not, right now, that sounds pretty daunting when I read it again. I want to get back to the space where being alone helped me reset. Lately, when life has been chaotic and I'm not feeling like myself, the last thing I want to do is be stuck in my head. So, I've filled my schedule. Depression can't hit a moving target (LOL, this dark humor trend cracks me up). I know I'm good company to other people. I want to be my own good company again. This pretty little mind races at a million miles an hour, but it's mine and it's wonderful. I want to see the good in it again. Whether the time alone feels positive or bubbles up negative thoughts, I'm not forcing it. Sit and feel.

Human Connection

My second focus for the close of this year is just human connection. There is so much beauty in the way a hug from your best friends can mend all your pieces together. I experienced that this morning. There is a lot of love that comes from you bonding with your best friends over ridiculous situations that you find yourself in.

INSERT QUICK STORY TIME:

My roommates and I went out two weekends ago after another "work sucks, I know" type of week. We popped around a couple of bars. We are all very social beings and always find ourselves meeting silly characters on a night out. We happened to be on a casual bar crawl with ourselves, and at the last bar we went to, we found ourselves talking to a group of guys who had invited us over to their table. They were very chatty and funny, so we just went with the flow and sat with them for what we didn't realize would be the rest of the night. We had all paired off, talking to one of the guys. The guy that I was talking to was not someone that I'd normally go for, but I had a good time getting to know him, and he was honestly hilarious, and I'm a lover girl of anyone who can make me laugh (even though it doesn't take much). He was incredibly flirty and so friendly, along with the rest of his friends, talking to my friends. After a while, we decided to call it a night and went home. Long story short, but the next morning, we found out that every single person who was at the table was in a relationship, and the guy who was talking to me was engaged. I'll say that again. Engaged to be married. When I learned this information, it made me think of when I was talking to this guy the night before, he was asking me about where I lived in our city. So after I told him, I asked him the same, and if he lived with anyone. This man told me that he lived with his roommate. Aka if he lives with his fiancé, he did in fact call his fiancé his roommate. I can not make this shit up, HA. My roommate also asked the guy she was talking to explicitly if he had a girlfriend, and he said.. no. JAIL TIME. So, in case you were wondering how my dating life is going, please just know that I'm trying the best I can and, low and behold, not forcing it.

And I know this is an absolutely insane story, and you're probably like, "Kelsey, what does this have to do with genuine human connection?" Well, for one, when I typed out "ridiculous situations", this is the first one that came to my head, and I'm a yapper and storyteller, so I had to get that out. But for two, it's not about the ridiculous men that I continue to find in the wild, it's more about the love I have for my roommates and the way that every time I spend time with them, no matter the insane things that happen to me and us, I know we were meant to be friends and we make every struggle feel lighter. I know the universe matched me with them over a year ago, because I would have been way worse off without them in the last year. They help me get through my mental struggles, honestly, without even knowing it. Whether it's continuing to be shocked by the male species or cackling at the dumbest thing, the connection I have with my friends is truly something so special. I can't control what happens to me, but I can control who I spend my time with. I have the best friends in the whole world. They don't expect anything from me. They don't force. They let me be, and they provide a light in weeks that have been pretty dark this year. They've helped put my pieces back together more times than I can count in this year alone. While I value my alone time, I can't do it all alone. In the last six weeks of this year, I just want to connect and lean on the people who look out for me. The people who I don't have to force into my life. They want to be there. And gosh, that is such a magical feeling.

No List of Goals, Just Trying to Find Myself (again)

If you were looking for an inspiring list of goals to close out your year, I hate to disappoint. It's not where my head's at this year. But honestly, this feels so right. I've tried to "find myself" time and time again in this decade of life. This is where I'm at. It's not perfect, and some days, it's certainly not pretty. But it's real. I'd be lying if I said I'm not so confused and constantly in a state of eagerness. I'm eager to find a career that heals my anxiety. I'm eager to fall in love with someone who sees me as someone they don't want to lose. I'm eager to feel peace. I'm eager not to break down when I'm feeling overwhelmed by feelings that I try so hard to push down. But the act of forcing actions and relationships, and feelings that just do not fit, is something that I just can't do anymore. I don't want to beg anyone to stay anymore. I don't want to force a smile on my face when it's not where I'm at. I don't want to be the "personality hire". I want to spend intentional time alone, meeting myself where I am, and also lean into human connection with people who let me be me. It's a simple plan. It's not usually my style, but like I said, it feels right, and it's sparked a small feeling of that peace, so I'm leaning in.

If this is what you need in this season, lean in. If you want to make the long list of goals, go for it. Sit and ask yourself what you need right now. Remind yourself that whatever conclusion you come up with, it's okay. It's actually so brave to do what's best for you because sometimes, especially when your mind leads you in a constant direction of looking out for the people around you, it is the most challenging to do. Six weeks. Six weeks of this year are left to look out for yourself. And guess what? If they don't go as planned, that's okay too. For me, hustle culture is out for now. No force, just love for myself and the people who want me there.