Healing Again

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday, and then quietly and without ever noticing, someday is today, and someday is yesterday, and this is your life."

That is an OG One Tree Hill quote. I watched the reruns of that show on Netflix religiously when I was in high school. To the point that when Netflix took it off, I literally wrote them a letter expressing my concern. My sister even started buying me the seasons on DVD. My freshman year of college, one of the first girls I met loved that show just as much as I did, and we clicked instantly. That Christmas, during a secret Santa, she got me a tile with that quote. I've held it close to me all these years, and it sits on my nightstand. In the past week, I've really paid attention to it. It's so real. You have all these big plans as an ambitious teen. You have no idea what's coming, but you're ready to jump in, full speed ahead. You try, you fail, you live, you love, you laugh, you cry, you feel joy, you feel disappointment, and then in the blink of an eye, almost ten years have passed. We pick one thing that sparks our interest at 17 and then go after it. It's been ten years since I first watched the magic of that show. This quote has hit me hard this week. It's beautifully written and the nostalgia it makes me feel is intense.

I've been having a particularly hard year. And I know what you're thinking- "Kelsey, what else is new?" or "Join the club!". And yes, I do feel like this website has become an outlet for my sad girl energy this past year. But as I've mentioned before, this is a space where I think a lot of people feel seen, and I'll be damned if I don't try to use my experiences in a positive light. So, back to this year. I've had "hard" years before. I've gotten hurt by multiple people who surprised me and had to rebuild myself time and time again. But this year, on top of still experiencing that heartache from others, health scares have been added to the mix, and feelings of not being in the right profession or living in the right place have also crept in.

Between the panic and the peace...

At the end of September, I was diagnosed with an early stage of Melanoma. I had to quickly schedule a surgery and pretty much put my life on hold for the foreseeable future. I use movement as medicine. I teach cycle classes three days a week. I've found joy in running. My training program for my first marathon starts in December. Moving my body has been what has gotten me through my hardest days in my career and personal life this year. But cancer doesn't care about any of that. In the month of October, I had to put that to rest. Last week, I had my surgery. I have three layers of stitches, along with a gorgeous battle scar that stretches across a large portion of my lower back. Today, I got a call that they got everything and there are no more signs of Melanoma. I'm lucky. Even though the dermatologist will be my best friend over the next five years, when I have to go frequently for check-ups, I should feel a sense of hope. The movement that I'm used to is out of reach for the time being. While I'm not in panic mode anymore, I'm not quite at my space of peace. I will say, I've never had this much time to be still. To rest. I think in some ways, this entire setback was the universe telling me to slow down. I do think the universe could have been more chill about it, but I'm listening. This time has given me a chance to listen to my thoughts and to feel every feeling in my body. I think I cried enough in the last few weeks for the rest of my 20s. I've thought about my job a lot. I've thought about what makes me feel unsettled in my life right now. I've had a chance to see who has shown up for me and how loved I am, no matter how I feel about myself. I'm on the road to my space of peace. I'm not there yet, but I know I will be. I'm fine.

When “You’re Fine” Doesn’t Feel Like Fine Yet

If you're anything like me, your TikTok fyp is oddly niche. The number of videos I've watched on quarter-life crisis should genuinely be studied. As someone who uses humor to cope, I'm glad the 20-somethings on my feed find ways to laugh it out (sometimes it really does feel like the only solution). A few days ago, though, I saw a video on "The Saturn return". Now, I'm not an astrology girl. The most I know about my astrology sign, Taurus, is that I am the stubborn one. Which I guess, fair enough? Normally, I don't watch these types of videos, but with my health currently, I've been out of work, and genuinely have had the most time on my hands I've ever had. It intrigued me, and it actually made me feel like maybe this is where I'm at. So let's dive in.

The Saturn Return

In astrology, the first Saturn of your lifetime occurs between the ages of 27-30. Studies say that it is an "astrological rite of passage" meant to initiate you into your adulthood. It's almost like it's a force to make you think about if you're living the life you really want. At 26, is when you start to experience these triggers. For example, the job you've been tolerating for a few years begins to feel unbearable. Everything starts to feel wrong, and you don't know why. It's a pressure that feels completely out of your control. At 26, I've had enough life experience to know what doesn't work and makes me feel out of control, but I also haven't had enough experience to know what does work truly. With that, I've spent time in the last few months stuck between who I thought I was to who I think I'm becoming. While I want to fight the discomfort and tuck it away, it's critical to ask the hard questions. Whatever makes you miserable does not have to stay. This is about honesty. What do I honestly want? Not what I think I should want based on my family or friends' opinions. It feels scary. I'm 26, I should be confident in who I am and what I'm working towards. On the flip side, I'm only 26. It feels like such a big number in my mind. Your 20s are a time for experimenting. It's okay to figure out what does and does not work for us. If it doesn't work, it's heartbreaking; it feels massive. It's just a data point for us. I don't want to force something that no longer feels right. I want to listen to these nudges. Whether I genuinely believe in astrology signs or not, this one feels like something I can't ignore right now. And maybe you can't either.

"It's the oldest story in the world. One day you're 17 and planning for someday, and then quietly and without ever noticing, someday is today, and someday is yesterday, and this is your life."

Back to the quote that sparked this post today. My life right now feels like it's going at a million miles an hour, but still, somehow, I feel stuck. I think I'm in a space preparing me to launch again. I have a feeling my life a year from now will look a lot different from what it does today, and in a lot of ways, that is what is giving me a sense of hope. I'm a force. I always have been, and I love the way my mind works and the way I treat people. I'm looking forward to looking out for me, learning how to rest, and taking off. It wouldn't be a KB post if I didn't end it in an uplifting manner. No matter how many tears that have left my eyes in the last month, it's just in my nature. I'll be okay. And you will too.