The Life of a 20-Something Trying Her Best <3

Happy Taylor release weekend! The title of this blog post felt very fitting. She continues to amaze me with her work. The way that she simply does not give a f*ck about what people say about her music, because she'll be on the billboards no matter what. That is some beautiful, feminist power, and you just can't deny something like that. I'll be taking my Sunday scaries to the movie theater in about an hour to see her magic. I can't control much these days, but this. This is something sweet and silly that I know will put a smile on my face the closer I inch to another long-winded week. Thank you, Taylor.

In my last post, I was in sad September blues. After I wrote out everything I was feeling and vented to my therapist, my bad luck streak continued. Do you ever feel like you can't catch a break? Like you're just going through the motions, but can barely breathe? That's the phase I'm going through right now. This past Tuesday, when I poured everything out to my virtual best friend, all she could say was how sorry she was. Because at the end of the day, this streak of bad luck that I'm going through currently is so far out of my control. Which is something that does not sit well with my high-functioning anxious brain. And for someone who despises feeling sorry for themselves, the last few months have honestly just felt so performative for me. I'm exhausted, but you wouldn't have a clue unless you're someone in my life who has shown up time and time again.

So, here I am again. Another blog post. Another rant sesh. A space for me to let go. I saw a post today that said, "The leaves are about to show us how beautiful it is to let go.” And god do I need that. Letting go when I feel like I'm crumbling. Letting go of people that I could've sworn would stick around for a few more chapters. Letting go of feeling sorry for myself in situations that I can't control. Letting go of the fact that I'm not invincible and it's okay and necessary to slow down (I'm so horrible at this one). Let's talk about what I need to let go...

The Last 2 Weeks

Two weeks ago, I went to the dermatologist to get a prescription for my acne because I'm tired of being 26 and hating my skin. Even though my acne is hormonal and completely caused by the stress of my job. Totally besides the point, right? Anyways, I ended up going in for a body scan because I figured it was needed. They ended up removing a spot as a "precaution". I thought nothing of it. This past Monday, after the day from hell, I got a call on my way out of work saying that I have an early stage of Melanoma. She started talking about next steps immediately and told me she wanted me to have my next procedure done within the month to be sure that nothing has spread. Mind you, this is after I'm a complete mess over my job and just feeling a bit stagnant in my life. So while there is no easy time for someone to tell you you have skin cancer, being 26 and already unwell is not exactly the timing I had pictured for myself. She told me I would have to take it easy. That I wouldn't be able to exercise for two weeks at a minimum. Which is quite literally my livelihood right now. It could be longer, she said, it just depends on what happens during the surgery. No matter what, my battle scar will be huge, and that makes me ill. But bottom line is, I don't know if it has spread yet. So that's how my week began. I spent all of last week rushing to get into a primary care doctor, back to the dermatologist, etc. I also learned that even though I spend an insane amount of money on my health insurance, it actually kind of blows. Adulting is so not for the weak. I genuinely don't like it here. The week was like a rat race. My mind was running a million miles a minute. I couldn't catch my breath. I cried every day, which was necessary. Something else I hate admitting. Not to mention, the week before I had gotten this call, I went on a first date with this guy that I met at a new bar in my city. The date was fun. Not a hinge date, thank the heavens. It had been a long time since I spent time with a guy and genuinely enjoyed their presence. After the date, he told me he wanted to see me the following week (aka my week from hell that I didn't know was week from hell yet). We had been texting last weekend before the week started. He mentioned a day and a place. Refreshing. We didn't confirm a time because after last Sunday, he never responded to my text. I had heard from the dermatologist the very next day, so again I didn't think twice about it. That was the least of my worries. I'd figured he'd reach out later in the week. Not a peep. I fear I am being ghosted. Tragically, not the first time this year. Sigh. Life is such a cruel b*tch, y'all.

I'm not going to lie, this year has really humbled me. I'm proud of myself. I'm sad. I'm a little bent. I want more than anything to just feel content and happy. It's not my turn right now, and that's okay. I'm learning how to give myself space to be sad and mad at life. To let go of what I can't control. Normally, I don't allow it, but fall seems to be the perfect season. My forever motto has been: It is what it is. But at the end of the day, saying that doesn't mean I can't take up space and be sad. I'll be okay. I'm thankful this cancer was caught early. I'm thankful I have a mama who wants to fly to stay with me for a few days when I have to get the surgery. Life gets really scary when your health is involved. I'm thankful for the strength and confidence I have in myself. I know my person is out there. Would it be nice not to experience the dating life of 2025? Hell yeah. God, I can't wait to meet someone who sees me as someone they don't want to lose. I can't wait to meet someone who makes all of these frustrating experiences worth it. I will.

The Life of a 20-something Trying Her Best

I'll get up every morning, and I'll do the damn best I can. With a smile on her face, but no longer forced. Right now, I'm giving myself space to be sad and feel what I need. I love the person I am. I'm hopeful that life will love me right back soon enough.