Blue September

Normally, I am the happy-go-lucky girl who is there to be the hype squad, and it's true, at the end of the day, I will always be. I take pride in looking out for my people and pouring love into this life. But today, today was hard. This week feels heavy. Here I am again, questioning my entire life. Year 26 is not for the weak, you guys.

Life has been a whirlwind over the last month. I went back to work, I have been half-marathon training, teaching at the studio, celebrating my friends falling in love, and touching grass quite literally any chance I get. I went home last weekend to family and family friends telling me how I look like I'm thriving and how excited they are for me. Which was a weird feeling because lately I've felt more wtf than ever before. Maybe more "fake it till ya make it" than I'd like to admit. It made me think about how much I've done in the last month and in the tail end of my summer. It was like I never sat still. Why? My best friend (my therapist) and I got into this last night.

I move more when I'm trying to avoid my emotions. Oof, it hits harder in this big font.

It's not exactly my favorite thing about myself. But this is real, this is me (shoutout to Demi), and this is what I do. If you relate to this, you'll understand exactly what this looks like and what it feels like. When I am trying to avoid feeling my feels, I keep it moving. I fill my schedule. If it's full, I don't have time to feel sad. An emotion I try to avoid like the plague.

Sabrina Carpenter stays writing about me.

Nobody's Son. If you haven't listened, RUN. This is not a drill. Being in the second half of my 20s now, a lot of my friends are in love. Some are dating, some are engaged, some are getting married, and some are already there. In your 20s, it slowly turns into two insanely different groups of people. You're either madly in love or you're trying to lock in every hobby that you've ever slightly thought about tackling. I've been single for all of my 20s. And yet, I've experienced so many almosts. It's made this word one of my least favorites. Almost. It's hurtful and it's hard and it leaves you just hopeful enough to try again and then run into another, almost. I love love. And I recently told my friend that I would stay single if I could make sure that all of my friends found love. I think everyone should feel wanted and thought of so highly. But, being in this phase of my life, while it feels like so many of my favorite people are moving on, it feels like I've hit too many almosts, and the universe has run out for me. When I spend a lot of time with couples, I'm spending time with my favorite people. I see them holding hands and laughing together and just being so content. And in the moment, I think I just go with the flow and brush off any feeling I have right there. My therapist told me to check in. "Clock it in the moment. Tell yourself, I want that too, and I'll have that too." Instead of just ignoring myself like I try to, and majorly breaking down later when I'm alone. And then I am spiraling through every almost relationship flying through my brain. Don't ya love that? Lol. I want that too, and I'll have it.

Car Cries

Today, I cried in the car on my drive home from work. A time I let myself feel sad. Let it be known that I have a 10-minute commute. I had one of those days where nothing went right. One of those days when I question my career. I'm not kidding, I spent 20 minutes during my workday looking at other jobs. I'm tired, and sometimes this job feels like a never-ending cycle of "I just need to make it to Friday." And unfortunately, I will be damned if I spend my entire life in that mindset. But I haven't found a way to shut it off in this field. SO, car cry it is. In an hour, I'll teach a cycle class, and all will be right in the world again, and I'll try again tomorrow. 26. 26 and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. All I know is I want to write, I want to be content on a Wednesday with my work, and I want to not be living for Fridays. I hope someone is looking out.

Sorry, she's not a positive girly today..

Why am I saying sorry? Another reason I'm in therapy. Seriously, 26? What are we doing?

I didn't start this blog to be sad and write it all out for people to read and silently judge me. I started this blog so that I could be so uncomfortably real about my 20s and write myself through my experiences. And maybe you are silently judging me, or maybe you have never related to anything more. I come here whenever I'm feeling lost. And I don't know if I'm navigating anything right these days, but I'll get up time and time again, especially when I don't want to, because no one is going to do it for me.

Again, they say in your 20s you're either madly in love or you're trying to lock in every hobby that you've ever slightly thought about tackling.

Well. I'm running a half-marathon this weekend.