Ins and Outs for Chapter 26

Happy Sunday and happy May (aka the best month of the year). Every year at the end of April and the beginning of May, I get a bit more vulnerable than usual and just reflect. Next week, I turn 26, and every year right before my birthday, I spend a lot of time thinking about the past year. I think about everything that went right. I think about what made me crumble. And I spend a lot of time feeling beyond thankful that I've spent another year pouring into a life that is mine. I've done a lot in the last year. There have been so many beautiful joys and several heartbreaking moments, but at the end of the day, I'm here. And here I am, about to start writing chapter 26. It doesn't even feel real when I say it out loud because it can't be true that I'm entering the second half of my 20s. Some days I feel proud of my everyday life and what I have going for me, and other days I feel like there has to be more for me. I'm still learning how to love on the messy days. I'm not perfect, I never have been, and I can confidently say that after this past year, I am still learning and growing. There is something in that that gives me a sense of peace.

To put it lightly, the first four months of 2025 have been a stretch for me. If I had to choose one word to describe how I feel about life right now, it would be "messy". Last year, around my birthday, I typed out 25 things I learned by 25. I don't usually go back and read what I wrote in the past. I use writing as an outlet and then try my best to move tf on. But wow. When I was reading, I couldn't help but say, "This girl is a powerhouse". If you haven't read it, it really is a breath of fresh air. It's almost like I needed to read everything that I said, as a reminder of who I am.

This year, I still feel everything I was feeling when I wrote that. I've been mentally struggling in the past couple of months. There was specifically one thing I wrote in that post that caught my attention and somehow has hit even harder this year.

"For all of the times I have experienced someone not being able to love me back, I've learned how to love myself a little more."

I think as I get a little older and more confident in myself, the harder it has become to experience someone not being able to love me back. It sounds strange because you would think that someone who is so confident and so sure of themselves wouldn't have those thoughts. But my truth is that I am a confident woman. I adore who I am, and I would never shrink myself to fit in someone else's box. Every year, I grow into a more silly, carefree, and beautiful version of myself. And I think because of that, when I experience a man (or we may want to call them boys lol) who doesn't want to love me or can't love me, I feel confused and really hurt. Why wouldn't they? How couldn't they? I don't know if it sounds cocky, but that's genuinely how I feel. I know that God's not going to forget about me, but when I reflect, this has been one of my greatest heartaches of year 25. I hope some of you relate to this, and if you do, keep doing your thing. I'm here doing the same and it sucks, but we'll keep going.

Welp, now that I've got that off my chest, here are my ins and outs for year 26. I hope I come back in a year, read this post, and think that same "powerhouse" mentality I feel for who I was last year. This year, I see vulnerability as power, which I'm not so sure if I ever have before 25...

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Chapter 26 Ins:

1. Doing what I want and saying how I feel. I said goodbye to someone a week ago, and it made me really sad. It might have been a goodbye or a see you later, I don't know that just yet. But I experienced a closure exactly how I wanted to, and I said exactly what I wanted to. No more feeling anxious about how people will react to my feelings :')

2. Letting myself be sad. Why is this so hard?

3. Staying kind when life is anything but. Keeping my lover girl energy intact.

4. Feeling proud of myself for setting boundaries and sticking to them (with friends, with family, with work). Boundaries are sexy! My therapist would be so proud.

5. Find joy in the everyday mundane - or as my roommates and I like to call it "Fun on Weekdays!"

6. Traveling. I already have some big plans in the works that make my heart skip a beat.

7. Running. They say in your mid to late 20's you're either getting engaged or running marathons. Bet you can't guess where I'm at!

8. Finding the little sparks of my job and holding onto them. Some days it really can be magic.

9. Daydrinking. Thank you.

10. Going out to eat. Try new places! God, I love to go out. This one was really important to end on.

Outs:

1. Feeling guilty about my first four ins.

2. Bashing myself for not doing more.

3. Being happy-go-lucky for everyone, all the time. When it comes to putting on a show to make other people feel good, I'm normally your girl!

4. Forgetting to call my mom back. And dad. Love you guys.

5. The "what if" mentality.

6. Going on a writing dry spell.

7. Saying no to things that make me feel good.

8. Being scared to lean in.

9. Tequila shots. I'm sorry. I said what I said.

10. Grocery shopping. Just kidding, but how annoying, right?

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I'm doing things that make me feel love this year. I want belly laughs. I'll keep my lover girl energy. I'll always hold onto my kindness. After a very trying year, I'm still me, and I can't wait to celebrate on May 13th. And all month, because I'm such a birthday girl, I can't help it. God forbid she's the life of the party!

BIG hugs and BIG love to all my people, continuing to cheer me up and on. You know who you are, and I would be so lost without you xoxoxo.