Bad Luck Comes in... Seriously How Many?

I used to say bad luck comes in threes. I'd struggle with two things back to back and then wait for the last shoe to drop. From one of the most positive people in the game, I have always used humor as a coping mechanism. Life's too short to be negative all the time. That's exactly how I feel. And when I tell you, I surpassed my third piece of bad luck and am still trying my best to be happy-go-lucky... Holy sh*t this is exhausting. My honest truth is I'm just going through it and I have been pretty consistently for the last two/three months. It's one of those times when it feels like almost every facet of my life is experiencing some kind of failure. So, if you've ever felt that way, here we are and here I am. This is extremely uncomfortable for me to talk about out loud, so here I find myself at my keyboard. Sometimes this is the only space where I can articulate what's going on in this insane (but wonderfully magical- don't worry, I'm still me lol) brain.

This post is a little bit vent sesh, a little bit of an update on my life, and a little bit of love for the people getting me through this weird, rocky bump in my life. If you feel like you're failing, you're not alone. If you feel like you can't shake certain emotions, you're definitely not alone.

What's got you down?

I'm 25 years old. I'm employed. I live with friends in a fun city. I have people who love me. I know how lucky I am. I know how privileged I am. This is why allowing myself to feel things and sitting in those feelings has always been difficult for me. Why am I feeling so down? It could always be worse. That's what I tell myself all the time and my therapist. Sometimes she hypes it up and other times she brings me back to reality and reminds me that I'm allowed to have reactions to the bullsh*t. Over the last few months, there's been several things that have just cut deeper than the normal struggles that life presents us. I had a health scare, my credit card got hacked, two weeks later my debit card got hacked (that really hurt my feelings), I got ghosted hard by someone I was actually interested in (which we all know takes forever to happen to me lol), struggled to enjoy my work, and to top it all off, I got put in a boot because I overdid the one thing that made me feel okay. Currently typing this in my bed, while the boot mocks me in the corner of my room.

At first, the humor came forward.

"Who has my voodoo doll?"

I think I used that line for the first two hiccups. But then they just kept coming. I'd have a bad day at work and my reaction was just, "Yeah that makes sense." That's not me at all. But again, that's really how I felt and am still feeling. If you know me, I haven't had the best of luck in my life, but I always find ways to feel okay and with time it has always been just fine. This time around, it's been the most heavy I've ever felt it. Heavy. That's the best way I can describe it. Heavy to the point where I can't shake it no matter how much "self-care" I have attempted to invest in myself. I know I've written about self-care a lot, but if one more person tells me I need to practice self-care, I will probably pass away. At the end of the day, I know I'll be okay. I always am. That's something that I love about me. My positivity will be back and I always come back to myself. I can already feel my spark slowly coming. I think that's why I'm finally able to type some of this out, but it's still heavy. As my therapist says, that I absolutely hate and can't wrap my head around, "it takes time".

It takes time.

Let's talk timelines. My brain's way of tricking myself into magically feeling better and whole again. This is where my therapist diagnosed me with "high functioning anxiety." I, of course, laughed and said, "True." I function on high energy all the time. My job is never-ending to-do lists, and the way I live my personal life, there is always something going on. My entire life, I've said, "I do best when I have a lot going on." I think the truth to that is I do better when I don't have enough time to sit alone with my own thoughts. I do better when I don't have time to be sad about the things and people who have hurt me. I do better when I feel accomplished and nothing can get me down.

Over the last two months, like I mentioned, it's been heavy. It's come to a point where I could no longer "go go go". Going back to my boot, I figuratively and literally can not go go go. It's too soon to joke about it, but you can laugh, I'll be okay. I genuinely haven't been able to catch a break, and life's been hinting at me to slow down. Which if you haven't noticed by now, doesn't mesh well with my lifestyle. When all the sh*t initially started hitting the fan, in my head I just kept thinking, "I'll be okay in two or three months." In the past, that's how long it had taken me to move on from something that hurt me. That last sentence is total bull sh*t, because there are still things that happened forever ago that will cross my mind at a completely random moment and it still stings a little. I think it's something that I just kept telling myself to avoid sitting in the emotion. God forbid I cry about something more than a few times. It's uncomfortable. I don't like it. And for someone who is a relatively extroverted person, I don't want any kind of attention on it. I'm never one to feel sorry for myself and I've never been one to want other people to feel sorry for me. Life is life and everyone has their sh*t.

So timelines.

There are none. That's a hard pill for me to swallow and I know it is for a lot of us. I'm not going to set a calendar reminder three months from an initial cut and never think about it again, as soon as the timer goes off. I'm an empath, someone who loves hard, and someone who has been an overthinker for 25 years. I'll probably always remember the things and people who have made me feel sad and wonder what if things were different. Time heals. And as much as this is something that stresses me out, I don't want to wait, but I know it's true. Eventually, all of it won't feel as heavy.

To my people trying to show up for me:

The key word is trying because a lot of times when I'm in this kind of head space, I don't want anyone. My quiet, somewhat ghost-mode, has not stopped my people. I don't know what I did to deserve some of the most beautiful beings I've ever known.

The crazy part in all of this is when I read it all back, no friend or family member in my life has ever made me feel like I can't confide in them. When I say, I'm the problem, it's true lol. Not in a red flag kind of way (because I'm all shades of green), but I don't want to be a burden and that's the bottom line. They have given me no reason to feel that I have to go through this alone. I've been so independent for so long that this is just how my brain is wired now. This guy posted a TikTok recently and it was basically just him saying he singled too hard because now he's so hyper-independent. There I am. I think in some ways, I have to go through a good chunk of it alone. It took me a long time to simply give myself space to feel negative emotions and react in a normal way. I don't know if I'll ever get to a space where I feel comfortable enough to cry in front of my friends or family when I'm truly going through it. It's not that I don't feel safe to do so. I'm just still learning that it's normal to be pissed off and upset when you feel like you can't catch your breath. But when I sit back and take a breath, I am so beyond thankful for my friends and family who show up time and time again. When I have my weeks and I go a little quiet or don't pick up the phone, they don't push. They just remind me that they're there. I'm slowly (reminder of that time piece) starting to feel like me again.

Last thought- Did you notice I bolded the word normal?

The words that I need to hear a lot that maybe you do too.

It is normal to be sad that someone ghosted you. It is normal to get on Hinge and want to jump out of a building (please laugh at this one, it's so scary out there). It is normal to be scared and cry from a health scare. It is normal to be pissed off that your bank accounts are being hacked. Not once, but TWICE (it's fine, really). It is normal to cry that you miss your mom and dad. It is normal to be angry because of an injury that stops you from doing things that you love. It is normal to feel like you failed at work. It is normal to feel like you failed in general. It is normal to go on a date and not feel it (you don't have to feel bad about it). It is normal to need your friends and family to pull you out of a funk.

God, I could go on and on. It's all normal, and it all sucks. I know it sounds strange, but there is something so calming about all of this. These feelings are overwhelming, and I can't wait to feel a little bit more at ease. I will.